remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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