i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
