Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
