I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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