You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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