there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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