Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
