I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
