Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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