I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
