I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
