remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
