sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
