I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
