drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
