8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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