I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
