Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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