I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
