how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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