she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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