I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
