Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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