My friends, they love my intelligence
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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