And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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