watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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