pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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