dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
