Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
