im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We named our party play list daddy issues
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
