you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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