I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
