4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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