Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
