I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
