you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize