Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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