its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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