Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
