Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize