I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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