saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
