Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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