i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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