and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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