I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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