I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
