I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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