at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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