i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize