Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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