All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
