i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
