You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
