no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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