My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
