can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
