If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
